Edit: Please note that I have added a significant number of words to this essay. I realized upon further reflection, and based on some feedback, that I skipped a vital part of my journey and my family’s journey in the process of getting to where we are today, and also that I left some of my thoughts incomplete. For those who have already read the original post, I thank you for your time, and encourage you to read it again when you have a few minutes, to get a better understanding of my family and faith history as well as my viewpoints.
The situation happening at the southern border of the United States has got everyone in an uproar right now, and as usual, opinions are polarized. Even I got caught up in demonizing a friend who was posting on Facebook from a Republican perspective. I know, I know. That sounds horribly vain – “Even I…” like I’m some sort of saint who always treats everyone with compassion. But it really does go against my grain to end a friendship over a difference in values. We’ve been friends for about 5 years and I’ve always known we came from different political camps. What changed? I felt pushed past a tipping point, and reacted in anger to something she posted on social media: something I think we all do from time to time.
It turns out that, for me, reacting in anger is rarely a good idea. I don’t think clearly there, and I do damage to relationships. Not to say that feeling anger is bad. Anger is an important message that tells us when boundaries have been crossed. The trick is learning how to use anger in a productive way. So what is a better way to engage when faced with a person with whom you just can’t see eye-to-eye or who offends or hurts you?
Here’s what I think.
Every person sees life from a particular frame of reference – their own. Even people who grow up in the same family don’t end up with the same frame of reference. We are influenced by our innate personalities, conditions in our home and environment as we were growing up, our position in the birth order of our siblings if we had any, our family traditions and history, the religion, or lack thereof, that we were raised with, who we come in contact with, what kinds of people we are exposed to, what kinds of experiences we are exposed to, where we went to school, what subject options were available, and who taught them, what the important people in our lives believe, the wounds we suffer and nurse, the healing we work through and where we are in that journey, the sources of love and fear in our lives, the way our families experience and handle money…the list is inexhaustible.
In my case, I was raised in an evangelical Mennonite home, as a missionary kid in Botswana, Africa, and then a pastor’s kid in British Columbia, Canada. As the eldest of three spirited girls, and first-born to an emotionally wounded mom and a helper/fixer dad, my peacemaker personality (Enneagram 9 if anyone is interested) grew into a deep need to avoid conflict at all costs in order to keep my inner sea calm. This often meant that I didn’t speak up if I disagreed with something. But if I was with two people who disagreed with each other, I was able to see and explain both sides of the story – I still am. I put a lot of effort into being the easy child, who followed all the rules and made life easy for my parents.
At the same time, I was being exposed to a cross section of the world that most kids don’t get to see. Being in Botswana allowed me to live life with people who were very different from me, though still within pretty clear bounds of conservative Christianity and the missionary community we lived and worked among. I believe that a large part of my acceptance of people as they are stems from my experience in the missionary field with my parents. My friends were Batswana, and Indian, and South African, and Scottish, and American. My parents worked hand-in-hand with locals and expatriates alike. It was beautiful. Their model of kindness, inclusiveness and respect is a huge part of who I am today.
In terms of my faith, as a child I dove into Evangelical Christianity head first. We moved from a Mennonite church to a more “charismatic” church, which gave me some new ideas about what a worship service would look like. I adjusted and continued my faith journey, not questioning anything I had been taught until…I met my now husband who grew up with a different kind of Christianity and was at that time agnostic, experienced a very different home life, and had a very different personality than mine. What an upset!
My early adult years were hard for me and for my family. We each had to work through a lot of our own preconceived notions about life and love and family and relationships. My mom was in the midst of some very difficult and amazing work surrounding her own childhood wounds and how they played out in her relationships, I was learning how to leave my parents and become a new family with Devin, my Dad was learning how to let me go, my sisters were watching things play out from their teenage lives, and all the while, I was struggling with what it looks like to be a Christian in the world that I was discovering as an adult.
I have ended up in a place where I disagree with some of the ideas and values that were part of my church upbringing. But I can also still see how it would be difficult to give some of that up. Our family has come through fire to become a family that can talk honestly to each other, even about hard things, and still be in relationship. We apologize sincerely and quickly. We don’t all agree on all issues, but we do agree that LOVE is more important than being right. My Mom is one of my dearest confidants and friends, and her modeling of self-work and healing has been vital to my own process. I am amazed at the amount of love she has for people and the integrity with which she lives her life. My Dad is as passionate as ever about being a great father and a Godly man. We enjoy spending time together and learning from each other.
When I consider the nature of Evangelical Christianity here in the United States, I think the worldview of those church members is very different depending on where in the US you are. Generally, the east and west coasts are more politically liberal and also more multicultural than the central states. (There are also north versus south differences. I’m not a historian or an economist, so this is vague and extremely general.) I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they also tend, then, to have a very different flavour of Evangelical Christian. The closer you get to a big city, the more pronounce this difference seems to be.
What this tells me is that the more exposure you have to people who believe different things, the more likely you are to expand your own worldview. If it is normal in your town for people of different cultures to participate in each other’s lives, you’ll grow up with a more inclusive view of other races. If you grow up being fed the stereotype of another culture rather than actually being a part of their lives, you will form some very deeply held ideas about who “those people” are. I personally really struggle with what looks to me like racism and a general lack of compassion for others in some parts of Christianity in the US. However, I am beginning to understand how these attitudes that seem so anathema to me could be considered normal in those circles.
Please, please understand…empathy does not equal endorsement. Just because I can attempt to put myself in the shoes of people that, to me and many others, seem racist, doesn’t mean I am excusing their behaviour.
Consider this: you are living in a primarily white middle class neighbourhood in the US, and for the most part your experience of non-white people is that: a) you can’t understand what they say because they speak a different language, b) they eat things that smell odd to you, and wear clothes that look strange to you, c) they have customs and worship practices that smack of everything that your customs and worship practices are not, and d) your parents and family for generations have taught you that the way you live and believe is the only right way, and that any questioning of that belief will send you to eternal damnation after you die. Perhaps they are Muslim. Your very spiritual existence depends on “othering” those who are different from you. How easy would it be to change that way of thinking? Any real change would probably take generations to affect how you live and interact with others.
“But we’re in the Internet Age when information about the rest of the world is at your fingertips”, you protest. “They have no excuse! It’s there for the learning. ”
Most certainly, except that perhaps you have also been taught that only the sources of information that already comply with your world view are to be trusted. That narrowed band of influence immediately removes all the information that could help you learn better to be better.
“I grew up that way, and I found a way out”, one might argue.
Well done. I mean it. I have found my way out of some ideas from my evangelical roots that were harmful, and know better now. Consider, though, what spurred your change of mind or heart? Also, what is innate about your personality that might not be present in another? In my own story, it took falling in love with “the wrong guy” and attending my local secular college for me to start pushing against what I had always “known” to be true. My innate ability to see things from different perspectives afforded me an avenue with which to expand my worldview as I was exposed to new ideas. But if someone’s personality leans more toward attaching to an authority figure or following the rules, then it will take an authority figure’s shift or a rule change to help them start to see a different way of being. If you are someone who has always followed their own path, and independence of thought and action is one of your driving motivators, then all you need is for something to seem a little off for you to start down a different path than your upbringing was pointing you toward.
This is not to say that people should be allowed to be bigoted or racist or hateful or hurtful without challenge. I think it is important to call people out on things they do that hurt other people. But I think it is important to do so in a manner that takes into account their upbringing and world view.
Be aware of your motivations and expectations. In my case, I had been expecting something of my friend that she wasn’t ready for. I expected that she should be able to understand all sides of the issue the way I do, and come to a similar point of view because we both believe in the same Jesus and both study the same bible. However, that’s not her personality style nor does that jive with her life experience.
I may never know for certain what someone else’s motivations are, or what they really wrestle over in their hearts. I may never change someone’s mind, or I may plant a seed that will germinate and grow later. That is not up to me. What IS up to me is to treat them kindly and do my best to understand where they are coming from, while also being clear about my own beliefs and values.
What I will hope for is that, going forward we will all consider how our words and actions and Facebook posts might affect those around her who we claim to love. I have learned that lesson in a hard way this week when another acquaintance misunderstood my intentions.
It is absolutely one’s right to have opinions and to express them. It is also important to be willing to fight for what we think is right. But I think it’s also everyone’s responsibility to express those opinions in a manner that doesn’t alienate or ostracize those who see the world differently. Calling people names, demonizing them, giving up on them, and failing to try to understand why they think the way they do – these do not effect positive change. What does change a person is being heard, understood, healed, and gently guided toward a different way of thinking about something they may not have considered. Try to force a new value system down someone’s throat and they will fight with everything they have. Help them deal with the source of the fear that is keeping them where they are, and they won’t have a good reason to stay there anymore.
One last thought…I think when it comes to fighting systems that need to change, it is important to be loud and persistent and demand change. When engaging with people who need to grow, it is necessary to be kind, compassionate and empathetic. Any other way just causes more hurt.
Cherish Words 